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Dear Prudence,
I’ve been dating “John” for a few months. Due to some practical issues, we haven’t had many sleepovers together. I’m a light sleeper and don’t really like sleeping in other people’s beds. Lately, there have been some cases where it was more convenient for me to sleep with him. The only reason I agreed to this is because he sleeps like the dead and is well set up so I can’t hear him when he wakes up. I sleep well with him, but the problem is that he doesn’t respect my desire to sleep through the night. I have a chronic illness and if I don’t get enough sleep I sometimes have mild attacks. In some cases he can save an hour, but not more. Even before I got sick, I have always valued sleep. John isn’t. He likes to get up early and do things, even if we are out late at night. I told him several times that he didn’t want to get up early for errands. He’s always been a good guy about this, but sometimes he thinks he should wake me up because something is really important.
This happened over the weekend. To be fair, he found me an event that I absolutely loved, and it was pretty quick. Usually he would put me back to sleep, but for some reason he didn’t this time. Plus, if you stay up too long early in the morning, you won’t be able to fall asleep again. John was pretty persistent in trying to wake me up, so eventually I rolled over and sleepily said, “Leave me alone.”
He looked stunned, but luckily I was able to go back to sleep. When I woke up, John was gone, but he left a note saying he didn’t want to see me for a while because my behavior was shockingly bad. I’ve been going back and forth about my actions. Generally, when you’re in a fight, I don’t think it’s a good idea to badmouth the other person or use what you know about them to attack them, but I never cursed. I’m worried that I may have crossed the line. On the other hand, I couldn’t get him to leave me alone and it seemed like a bit of a sleepy “survival” tactic at the moment. I’m a little upset that John didn’t listen to me first. Could you please help me decide if my behavior was as bad as my boyfriend thinks?
–Sleepy battle
Dear Sleepy Fight
If you think about the “green lights” to look for after three months of dating, things that indicate a couple might be a good fit, you might find that “one partner completely ignores the other partner’s wishes and doesn’t want to do it. “My partner wakes me up and says bad things to me while I sleep.” Those are not on the list. No, I don’t think “leave me alone” is a good thing to say to your boyfriend, but frankly, he started it. I think it’s very immature at best to not let you go to bed just because you want to go apple picking or something. And there is definitely good reason to see that as a sign that he is pushy, insensitive, controlling, or even abusive. Even if he’s none of those things, it’s too early for this kind of conflict. If you’re exchanging profanities in the morning three months from now, then three years from now, or even beyond, if you have to negotiate who gets up to check on a crying baby, how will the situation be? You don’t want to see what happens. So if you want to apologize for using a four-letter word because you’re not the person you want to be, then do it. please. However, make it part of the conversation and let him know that it’s best for both of you to leave each other alone, and not just in the morning. completely.
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