Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit your question here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I broke up with “John” because our lives were not compatible. He wanted kids and I didn’t. We parted without any hard feelings and he ended up marrying our mutual friend “Sue”. We have all been separated. While John and Sue settled down and had their son, I was traveling and working overseas. John recently reconnected with me through social media. He confessed that his marriage was a sham, that he wanted to break up but couldn’t because of his son, and that his marriage was never as good as it was when they were together. He wanted to meet and have a good time together. I messaged John that it wasn’t a good idea and that he needed to turn inward to find a solution to his unhappiness, whether it was marriage counseling or divorce. If it were me, I’d leave it as is.
My dilemma is that after Sue’s last miscarriage, Sue and John announced on social media that they were trying to have another baby. Around the time John was texting me, he had a miscarriage. I had never been close to Sue, but I wanted to know if my partner was trying to cheat on me while I was going through a medical crisis. I definitely don’t want to leave anyone alone with a kindergartener and a baby while my partner plays, but I’m also worried about being shot as the messenger here. What should I do? Do you anonymously post on Sue’s social media that John is trying to cheat on her and needs to be checked? Do you tell Sue directly? I haven’t told any of my friends because I don’t want this story to spread when I don’t want it to.
— DM directly
Dear DM,
Easy: Stay away. People do all kinds of stupid things when they’re having a hard time. Marriage and children are difficult. Assume and hope that John was just having a “little moment” that you should have avoided. Once he became a serial sneaker, Sue would put it together in her own time.
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Dear Prudence,
I’m 24 years old and at a crossroads in my life and relationships. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. To be honest, I used to be worried about our relationship, but recently we’ve reached a nice place where we feel very comfortable. I think we might even be in love. He is a polite and trustworthy person. We are both musicians. We rarely fight and enjoy the same things, but we still challenge each other. Most of the boxes are checked except for one.
While he wants to stay, I want to leave my hometown and pursue my dreams. I know he is more responsible, but I also know that if he sacrifices his life for a man, he might regret it in the future. A few months ago I explained this to him and we decided to enjoy our remaining time together before going our separate ways. No wonder he doesn’t want to do long distance. I recently had the opportunity to move to California next year with some of my roommates, so I started making plans, hoping in the back of my mind that things would work out between us. But I felt like I couldn’t move on with my life staying in the same place, and I knew I couldn’t stay for him. We live in a small city that lacks opportunity and excitement. I live with my parents, work at my parents’ restaurant, and have a degree that I don’t use. I’m feeling stuck here. I love my hometown and my family, but I’ve lived here since I was born and I feel I’ve been overstayed here. He also lives with his parents, but is starting his career. He has long term plans such as saving enough money, investing, buying a house and becoming financially stable. I think that’s great, but it’s also embarrassing to want to try something new. Still, I decided to take action and face the consequences.
It was a few days ago when he asked me to live with him in a two-bedroom apartment somewhere in Texas. I was completely caught off guard. I could envision a future with this man, a comfortable little life for both of us, but now I’m wondering if I should accept his offer over the opportunity I had in mind. If he’s willing to compromise, should I compromise too? It’s not what I had in mind, but at least it’s something. Will I be filled with regrets in the future? Will I regret sacrificing my relationship for a stupid little dream? Will you regret sacrificing your dreams for love? I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going to lose either way.
–Desperate dreamer
Dear hopeless dreamer,
You are thinking about the dilemma in completely the wrong way. You have options! Nice option! The options are amazing! And it looks like there are two really viable things in front of you. Both will take you away from your primary destination, home. So now you have to dig into the details and figure out what you really want at this point in your (young) life.
If you have the opportunity to move “somewhere in Texas”, I think it matters a lot where it is, but you could move out of your parents’ home and keep your relationship intact. Your boyfriend seems like a nice guy, you’re comfortable living together, and you’ll have that kind of support while you start something new. But I think it’s a bit of a red flag that you called his offer to move to “somewhere in Texas” a “compromise.” Is that…? It sounds more like a sudden emergency plan that he came up with without your input so as not to lose you. Why Texas? Would you like to live there? Did this proposal feel like a gesture toward what you wanted, or was it just a gesture? Why two bedrooms? (I mean, that’s fine, but I’m curious as to why you mentioned this detail.) All of this is important.
California, on the other hand, offers something completely different. It’s about living in a new place, perhaps for the first time, with friends after school, and going on a whole new adventure. And yes, I do have a new boyfriend. As someone who moved to a new city with just one friend after college and only had a vague idea of what my life would be like, I had a lot of questions about myself and what my life would be like. I can say that I learned a lot about what I want to be. I’ll be alone for a while. It was nice not having to worry about other people’s wants or even whether they wanted to spend money or not.
However, in order to pursue either, you must free yourself from the guilt of not taking the safest path that is in front of you. It’s about staying in your hometown and seeing how things go with your 1000% boyfriend. You are more responsible and think about the future than anyone I’ve dated at your age or my age. It’s your life, you’re free to do what you want with it. Let me tell you, there aren’t that many opportunities to jump into the unknown. If you’re excited about the prospect, we recommend doing it now.
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Dear Prudence,
We are planning to get married in a few months. We plan and pay for the wedding ourselves. Our save-the-date cards were issued a few weeks ago and her mother called me because her sister never received the card. I explained that I would not be inviting her aunt. She is a lovely woman, but she had a daughter the same age as me, but she passed away when we were in high school. My cousin and I were very close, and when her mother comes to my wedding, I am reminded of how tragically my cousin’s life was cut short. I think it might be difficult for my aunt to attend my wedding too. I’m sure seeing my milestone will remind her of all the things her daughter couldn’t do. Her mother is very angry because she invites the rest of the extended family. She says her aunt’s feelings will be hurt. I’ve tried to reason with her mother, but somehow by the end of every conversation about this, I end up looking like the bad guy. I would like to get her mother to understand my position, or at least think of a way to get her out of it.
-This is a wedding, not a funeral.
Dear wedding,
Woof. I’ve heard you say that you’re doing this, at least in part, for your girlfriend’s aunt’s feelings, but I have to say that I’m on your mom’s side on this one. I don’t get it. I know there’s a tautology at work here that says “you’re paying, so you can do whatever you want”, but considering you’re inviting the rest of your extended family, at least It seems doubly cruel not to invite my aunt. . She can decline if she doesn’t feel it’s right for her. And as someone who has had not just one but two weddings, you’re probably too busy focusing on yourself and your partner to be distracted by the presence of your girlfriend’s aunt.
—Hilary
classic prudy
I am bisexual, genderqueer, and live with my long-term partner, who is also genderqueer. My relationship with my mother is very strained due to the fact that she has alcoholism and drug abuse and stole my identity to open a credit card before I turned 18. Also, when I came out and brought my emails, her mother launched a hate mail campaign against me. I have had many abusive men come into my life. I currently live in another country and our contact is limited to phone calls on birthdays and holidays. She recently moved, and during her holiday call, she said she had found a box full of letters, poems, and photos from my high school boyfriend.