How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. I have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
dear way,
My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are in our 30s and have two small children. Our relationship is on good terms, but our sex life has been lukewarm for years, with haphazard, short-term efforts to “talk it out” or “spice it up” with toys or new positions. Nevertheless, I know. She is not very happy with my husband because she frequently jokes that my sex drive has stagnated significantly since we started dating. (There were a lot of jokes about how we were a “typical couple” in that our sex life decreased after we got married, etc.)
I know why my sex drive has decreased, but I couldn’t even try to explain it or deal with it myself. When we first started dating, I was in what I would call a “sexual awakening” period. Because she began having sex at a relatively later age than most of her peers, she acquired a large number of sexual partners in a short period of time. During this time, I came to associate sex almost exclusively with being wanted, and to associate it with some kind of (albeit misplaced) confirmation and affirmation of self-worth. Once I had my first real loving relationship with my now-husband, I no longer needed sex to confirm his interest in me or my worth as a sexual being. In fact, I have never translated my relationship with sex into sex as a form of validation, as an expression of love. I love my husband very much and want to resolve this issue, but I don’t know where to start.
—You should probably see a therapist
Dear, perhaps,
Keep in mind that parenting small children can also be a factor, as can postpartum difficulties. So don’t be so quick to attribute it to your own theory (yes, it’s logical, and you know yourself better than I do).
I’m also wondering where your physical pleasure is in all of this. do you masturbate? Do you enjoy sex for physical reasons? Do you get off on it? If not, take your time with your body and find out what you like. Give yourself some time to think about whether you’re even interested in sex for the sake of sex in the first place.
If you feel the therapist can help you, as your sign-off indicates, move on. In the meantime, it may be helpful to consider other positive aspects of sexual interactions. I can think of a few things off the top of my head. Intimacy and connection, orgasms for you, the joy of giving your partner an orgasm, all the nice, happy chemicals your brain releases during sex, and fun, inexpensive activities you can do together. The aim here is to understand what other things your brain can associate sex with, and what of those you find appealing. Another strategy you might try is to think of sex as a method. verification My husband, not my worth. Confirm your affection or love for him.
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dear way,
Unable to reach orgasm with sexual partner. Me (19F) and my friend (19M) have been dating for a few months and he’s the only person I’ve dated. The sex is great, feels good and is so much fun. We communicate very well, both when we’re actually having sex and when we’re not. He wants me to orgasm, but he doesn’t put too much pressure on me, and the sex is still really satisfying, so I’m pretty happy as it is. I can use a vibrator to reach orgasm on my own (though due to logistics I don’t have access to one when we’re together). I have tried not masturbating for long periods of time (2 weeks) and various combinations of stimulation.
The problem is, I don’t think it’s physical. It was very close to completion, but it never materialized. I have ADHD and anxiety and I’m sure this plays a big role. I’m on medication for both of them and it’s helping me a lot, but whenever the end approaches my brain thinks about it so much that I worry that I’m really going to break up with the other person. As soon as I got close, my inner monologue became very clear and very talkative, and then pooh! The moment has passed. I also have a relatively long refractory period and don’t have much time for sex, so I can’t go back.
I know communication is important, but I would appreciate any advice on how to calm my mind. I’m exhausted from a combination of overthinking and a general fear of just letting go. And I have no experience managing ADHD and anxiety in this type of environment.
—Me, Him, and My Brain
Dear my brain,
The first thing I’m curious about is whether or not I can cum on my own without a vibrator. It’s possible that you’re used to that kind of sensation, or you just need the vibrations to reach orgasm. If you’ve never had an orgasm without a vibrator, put it aside for your next few masturbation sessions and experiment with different sensations from your fingers and hands.
Letting yourself down in front of your partner is one of the most vulnerable things a person can do. Many people have difficulty at first. Take time to think through your concerns and debunk each subject. If some people are more clingy than others, you may want to talk to your partner about it. For example, “I’m worried that I might hurt you in the heat of passion.” Or, “What if people think my orgasm face looks weird?” Share your worries with me. Let’s solve it.
Finally, meditation helps people focus their brain where they want to focus, and that applies even during sex. You may find it helpful to repeat over and over again, gently turning your thoughts away from your anxious inner monologue and returning to the sensations you’re feeling. However, making meditation a daily habit outside of sexual contact will give you the best results.
dear way,
I’m a 40-something cis woman (predominantly straight), single, and want/need to have sex. I’m not looking for a romantic relationship at all right now. I’m sure some men are looking for these easy hookups, but my question isn’t really about how to find them. But I’ve never done this before so I’m a little out of my element.
My question is, where should I connect? I’m talking from a safety perspective. If I were to go to their house, it would seem dangerous. Because how do I know if I can leave? If they come to my house, they’ll know where I live. (Obviously the worst-case scenario here.) Of course, you’re not looking for a dangerous man, but a woman can never be too careful. After all, these men would be relative strangers. (And yes, use protection too). Do I need to secure a hotel for an encounter like this? What do people do?
–Where is the place for one night stand?
Dear people involved in a one-night stand,
People do different activities, and each location has its own risks. Sure, hotels can be fun if you’re on a budget, but they also don’t guarantee safety. Your best bet is to talk to him first. Feel him on the app or in the bar. Get a feel for his vibe. This will likely raise some red flags, so make sure you have a good conversation. If you’re still so uncomfortable that you’re considering whether you want to do it on your own territory or somewhere you can easily escape, ask where that fear is coming from.
If you go to their house, make sure you know what to bring. At the very least, keep your wallet, shoes, and enough clothing to be ready to go in case of an emergency. Let your friend know where you are and when you expect to hear from them. You can text your address or turn on the Find My Phone feature. It would also be great if you could send me a screenshot of their dating profile picture.
And while planning condom use is a good start, it’s a good idea to ask how often you’re tested for sexually transmitted infections and to get yourself tested regularly.
—Stoya
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