- I met my husband when I was 23 and he was 34.
- I fell in love with him right away, but I was worried about the age difference and didn’t think it would work out.
- But over time, it proves to be a good thing. Well, we’ve been together for 20 years.
Our May-December love affair began in 2003. We were both performing in a repertory theater that had been converted into a basement, and the sounds of toilets flushing could often be heard during performances. He was in “The Fair Maid of the West” and I was in “Romeo and Juliet.” The first time I saw him, he literally rolled onto the stage and made a grand and hilarious entrance. “Who is that handsome idiot? I want to know more…” I thought.
We met about a week later through a friend’s introduction. I remembered when I saw him on stage and was excited, but other than saying “hello” he wouldn’t tell me the time. However, my love for him did not subside. Over the next two years, we continued to greet each other at various parties and theaters, until finally at one cast party we found ourselves huddled in a corner, completely absorbed in each other, and he He invited me.
On our first official date, we went out for ice cream. He told me about the 10 years he spent doing theater work in another city, and I realized he might be older than I originally imagined. I blurted out, “So, how old are you?” He said, “34 years old. How old are you?” “23,” he said after holding down the ice cream that almost fell into his lap. His smile faded as my heart sank. I think we both felt it wasn’t going to work. I needed more ice cream.
My dad didn’t think he’d be happy about me dating an older man and was worried we didn’t have that much in common. But we had an undeniable connection, so we continued dating and getting to know each other. It didn’t take me long to realize that we were incredibly compatible and didn’t care what other people thought. If we were happy, there was no need to justify our relationships with others.
A year later we moved in together. Six years later, he proposed. This September, we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary and 20th anniversary of dating.
Our relationship has taught us to value the experiences that come with age.
My husband and I have found our age difference to be one of the greatest strengths of our relationship. Initially, I didn’t see the age difference as an advantage, other than the fact that it gave me time to build a larger savings account. But what he had already experienced and shared with me influenced some of the growth I experienced during the first three years or so of our relationship.
His advice and support helped me, a stubborn 20-something, navigate personal and professional situations that I didn’t have the courage to share with others. It was like having my own sexy Yoda. No one has ever been so praised.
My experience was equally valuable to him.
He’s firmly in the Gen X age bracket, and I’m at the apex of the Gen I grew up using computers, but he was in college when computers were just beginning to be available to students. As our lives changed with marriage and his interests moved from acting to carpentry and other crafts that didn’t require forcing a smile for a commercial audition, I wanted to help him learn how to use technology. I helped them learn. He was not skilled at.
I want to feel like I’ve provided a safe space to help my partners learn and grow, even if they ask me questions like, “How do I tell the difference between a PDF and a JPEG?” think.
There is a double standard when it comes to dating with an age difference.
At first, my husband was hesitant to date someone so young, but when he found out we were dating, I noticed his friends were giving him a casual high-five. He was doing his best Leonardo DiCaprio impression. I didn’t mind when it was just a good-natured joke because I agreed. He was lucky to date me. But I didn’t like it when people implied that I was his conqueror. Luckily my husband didn’t like those kind of manly comments either, so he shot them down before I did. We had the same thoughts about the tired trope of an older man winning some kind of award for dating a younger woman.
On the other hand, none of my friends said, “I can’t believe I’m hooking my grandpa!” However, I had one friend at work who was hesitant about me going on a date with him. She asked, “What’s wrong with this guy? Why doesn’t he date women his own age?”
I understood where she was coming from. Fortunately, I had a friend who had a healthy dose of skepticism and defensive instincts. However, as she got to know him, her attitude changed and she even helped coordinate our wedding. Most of my friends realized that he was there for me, acted like a mature adult, and was mentally prepared to be a caring partner.
Well, we’ve been together for 20 years. He turned 55 on his most recent birthday, but at this point no one cares about our age difference. In the end, the only thing that matters to others seems to be what always matters most to us in the first place: that we are devoted to and love each other.
We manage life together and recognize each other’s strengths.
Although we will always be 10 years apart, staying healthy and surviving aging has given us something in common. What once separated us is now barely on the radar. We no longer argue over whether Journey or Nirvana is the better band. Our common concern now is: What is inclusive policy? “Why did the pillow bring me to the chiropractor?”
We also have complementary strengths. I research to death before deciding, but he chooses without too much fuss. We don’t always agree on how to do things, but we help each other throughout life and see the good in each other’s approaches. His way works best for everyday decisions like choosing a restaurant, and mine works great. This is the best way to choose a home loan. Because we’ve successfully worked through small, meaningful issues, we’ve found that the scary “adult” issues we’re currently dealing with are much more manageable.
It is inevitable that we understand that we may find ourselves in different places in life. However, we have learned how to help each other get through this time. One thing we always agree on is that you decide your age.
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