How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. I have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
dear way,
I am in a long term relationship and am emotionally, mentally and sexually satisfied. We explore and try new things and I feel valued and loved. No complaints.
The problem is this new hobby I’ve developed but I can’t seem to quit because I’m not sharing it. I sext with people on online platforms. Every time I delete my account and end all communication, I can’t seem to do it myself. It’s not that I’m doing anything that’s not expected of me in my current relationship. It’s just that I feel wanted in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.
Why am I doing this? How can I stop myself?
–Won’t stop, won’t stop
Dear, don’t stop, don’t stop,
You don’t know, and I can only guess, but I feel like at least part of the appeal here is the novelty, because you make me — if your partner is for you. The only thing you don’t get is other people. It’s so much fun to interact with different people in this way, and it’s so nice to hear your enthusiasm from multiple sources. The reward that stimulation and notifications give you, dopamine, may also be what makes this habit so difficult to break. The process of hunting and then getting rewarded in some way (usually through attention) is what keeps people glued to the app.
If you really want to get rid of plugins, you can look into app/website blockers like: freedom. This allows you to schedule block times. Perhaps this could be an effective way to attack this rather than deal with it recklessly.
In your current relationship, you say that you don’t do anything you can’t ask, but is your current relationship one where you can flirt with other people? Is it open at all? If you’re interested, it might be time to have that conversation. In theory, you can avoid the high-profile path, but that doesn’t negate your desire. Then what? Maybe you’re no longer receiving the kind of approval you’re looking for in your relationship. This is normal and common for many long-term couples. Your life and relationships may need some modifications to achieve what your body and mind desire.
dear way,
I am a 62 year old man who has been married for 32 years. His wife has lost interest in sex, which is a problem. I am very attracted to her because of her “masculinity”, but I have no interest in getting out of her marriage. But every time I try to have sex with her, she says, “Oh, you’re always so horny,” or just not interested. If I push, we may tease someone or she will “take care of me”, but that’s only about once every two months.
I once read an article that said the average number of sex for couples in their 60s is about 20 times a year. We are far from average and far from what I want. We haven’t had sex in years because she says it hurts. I have suggested getting her products that will help but she won’t. It is difficult for her to tell her how she feels, she has brought up this topic many times but she does not respond. Have some advice?
-Loyal but greedy
Dear faithful but centripetal people,
Compare and despair, my friend. I don’t know where you got the data that couples in their 60s have sex 20 times a year, but none of that is relevant to your situation anyway. There will always be someone who has more than you. And it’s not a failure on your part. It is simply a product of very diverse experiences on this planet.
You mentioned that you talked to your wife about this many times, but I’m not sure how. If you came from a transactional background with her or had a perspective centered around her own needs and desires, that may have driven her away. My hunch is that her lack of desire is related to her menopause, but perhaps it’s frustrating or sad for her. Or maybe her desire for it has been so eradicated that she has no energy to get it back. I’ve gotten quite a few questions about this issue from people on both sides, but reading what it’s like for a woman to see her desire decline in later life may strike some empathy. . See her fourth question in this column (posted by “Off Switch”).
There are things a wife can do to make sex less painful (dilators with lube, vaginal estrogen, and perhaps hormone replacement therapy). There are people you can talk to about low sex drive, but if your wife doesn’t want to do anything about it, nothing will really be done. Until then, both of you desire to respondas Emily Nagoski writes in her book, Come as you are (HTDI Favorite) “Desire manifests itself only in highly erotic situations.” In a sense, we are putting the cart before the horse here, in contrast to the more commonly spoken of spontaneous desire, in which desire causes people to They begin to seek (or create) their own erotic contexts. Nagoski writes that 5 percent of men and 30 percent of women are sensitive to desire. Maybe the sexual situation you’re offering sounds like a pick-up line, but to your wife it’s not.It might be very helpful to know something will do Turn her on. What kind of sex is she worth to her?
You can ask her when she’s calm and not distracted, and once you figure out what’s going on, you can ask her what she thinks you should do given the situation. If sex with her is effectively a no-no, does she think it’s fair to you as well? Would she accept an open relationship? Are the rifts of desire so irreconcilable that it’s time to consider divorce? Use these conversations (which may be ongoing) as opportunities to explore and understand rather than judge and decide. If you don’t see any momentum or progress there, consider couples counseling.
Oh, please stop pushing. I know it’s a way for you to achieve that elusive sexual contact, but it’s neither cool nor fair to her, and could be detrimental to your cause in the long run. If she associates sex with your pressure, even if it’s emotional, why would she want to be open about it?
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dear way,
I’ve always considered myself to be completely straight. But lately I’ve been having a strong bicurity urge to give fellatio. I always have a lot of fun taking the test, so if I can make someone feel that good, I would definitely give it a try. I think it’s amazing to feel your penis grow from flaccid to erect in your mouth and hear your partner moan as you bring him to orgasm. I fantasize about it often and often suck on the dildo when I masturbate or when I have sex with my female partner and have her slide the toy in and out of my mouth.
The problem for me is finding a way to explore this fantasy with real people. I live in a relatively small town, so I’m very reluctant to put myself out there as a bisexual person on dating sites or gay-only sites. I know a gentleman in town who is a leader in the LGBTQ+ community and is clearly sex-positive. He organizes monthly gatherings and several events a year. I was thinking of talking to him about it and asking him to introduce me to someone who would be discreet enough to allow me to explore this fantasy. But I know it might be awkward or intimidating to ask him about it, and it’s not his responsibility to find someone to give me a blowjob.
It may just be a fantasy that excites me, and I’m very aware that if I try it, I might not enjoy it as much as I thought. And I don’t want to take that kind of risk for something that might end up being a one-time experiment. Plus, frankly, I feel a little embarrassed about having these bisexual fantasies.
I’m an extrovert and I’m not very good at talking to people about most things, but I’m confused about how to approach this one. Do you have any ideas on how to incorporate this fantasy into real life while remaining cautious and keeping impulses away from the broader public knowledge base? I would appreciate your guidance.
—curious and ignorant
Dear Curious and Clueless
Using a dating site or app is not the same as coming out. It can be anonymous (no photo) or semi-anonymous (photo without face or other identifying features). Be specific about what you’re looking for in your profile and subsequent chat. Not using a photo puts you at a disadvantage (people are less likely to reach out or connect without a photo), but sometimes it’s what people are looking for (in your case, hunger) takes precedence over anyone else in question. When you’re traveling, no one knows who you are, so you can explore more daringly with apps and public baths. There is also the option of a glory hole. If your local adult bookstore exists, they may have an area/private booth for that. These exist to maintain your anonymity.
Talking to leaders in the sex-positive community can go either way. He might be very relaxed about it and be willing to introduce you to guys who love to be sucked, or he might not know you are like that and perhaps call himself a sex coordinator. You may feel that the whole interaction is inappropriate considering you are not looking at it as a pro bono pimp. It depends on his mindset and how comfortable he feels with you. You wrote that you know him, but how well do you know him? Is he saying the obvious about his sex life? Have you had a long discussion with him about this before? Before you get into it, you might want to get to know him a little better and have a conversation that aligns with this specific desire of yours.
This is an essential part of my answer, telling you that you’ll feel much better if you don’t have to do this secretly. You’ll find it difficult to look over your shoulder with a penis in your mouth.
If you know firsthand the pleasure of sucking, your embarrassment may disappear. I think your challenge is to get over the hump here and stop making excuses. I wrote this answer assuming you and your partner are open and/or she consents to you exploring here. If not, ignore all of this and have that conversation first.
-rich
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