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dear way,
My wife of 11 years and I have a very simple and sparse sex life. It’s not that we’re bad at pleasing each other. In fact, it seems to matter how intense the sex gets. I take pleasure in pleasing my wife and she can easily reach multiple orgasms, so it has become a routine.
But the more orgasms you have, and the more intense they are, the more likely you are to have an emotional breakdown after sex. Sometimes, when the orgasm is so intense, she may start crying in the middle of the session. After years of this going on, I tried not to take it as me doing something wrong or her crying out of guilt (she is very religious). conservative). According to her, it has nothing to do with her past traumas that she can recall, but rather that she is very emotionally guarded and experiencing her orgasm makes her vulnerable and keeps her feelings hidden. They say they can’t do it. I try to be cooperative, but she literally turns away from me after sex and barely says a word. I’ve also suggested different scenarios to her where she could avoid overstimulation or consider other types of sexual activity, but she has a very narrow view of what sex should entail ( (Remember the religiously conservative part?).
I can’t help but think this has something to do with other parts of our power relationships. She refuses to engage in deeper introspective conversations with me and refuses to see a couples therapist to improve our communication. About her own feelings fills her with fear. She would like to point out that we have two children with special needs, so she obviously can cause a lot of stress for everyone. Although we parent well together, our lack of emotional expression makes me feel rejected and invalidated, especially after sex. So my question is: Why does my wife feel mentally defeated after she orgasms? How can I get through this situation so that I can grow in love without feeling so hurt or rejected afterwards? Rather than after sex, I pack up my clothes and write you this letter from my laptop in the kitchen. , I want to lie next to my wife and be open with her.
—Not alone but lonely
Dear Alone,
My heart is sad for you. The complaints in your letter are valid. And this is a big problem to unpack. Unfortunately, it’s bigger than an advice columnist can handle, and it’s bigger than anyone can substantively help based on a few paragraphs.
Regardless of past trauma, the problem is that the wife continues to hide her feelings. If they don’t come out during or after sex, they’ll just sit there rotting and the toxic mucus will ooze out somewhere else. Feeling anxious about being vulnerable is generally part of the human experience, but sex is a place where we should be vulnerable. Our partners (and other loved ones) are the ones to whom we are supposed to be vulnerable. So there’s a misfire there too. And her stubbornness to have a deeper conversation with you strengthens my belief that this is a problem.
I agree that couples therapy is not mainstream at this point. I think the best thing for her to do is for her to see a therapist herself. It may be difficult for her to thread the needle of “respecting her religion” without being “opinionated,” but I think that’s what you both need to do. To achieve this, have a good conversation. Make it clear to her wife that this is not sustainable. You love her, but she is worried about her. And that you strongly believe that she needs to find a place to discuss and process her feelings. Good luck. If you’re interested in that, you’re welcome.
—Stoya
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I’m a woman in my late 40s and have been dating the same man who is the father of my children since my 20s. We have a strong relationship. Generally, our sex life is fine, but slightly more vanilla than when we first met. If I can relax enough, most of the time we both reach orgasm. He is usually the initiator and wants it more often and more adventurously than I do. We have a generally good emotional connection and decent communication, but there’s one problem. That is, I end up masturbating without him knowing.