Do you feel constantly insecure about the status of your relationship? If so, you’re probably worried about being rejected or left out, which makes you a bit obsessive.
Believe me when I say you’re not alone in this. Many of us have similar feelings. However, if you want to grow and develop as a person, it’s imperative that you get past these insecurities. But how do you get there?
Here are four things licensed therapist Jeff Guenther focused on to help him transition to a secure attachment style: Follow his tips and you can do it too!
4 things to pay attention to in order to move from anxiety to secure attachment
1. Choose an emotionally intelligent partner.
If you want to have a stable relationship, it’s important to make sure the person you’re dating is emotionally intelligent. But why is this so important?
“This allows people to discuss their emotional experiences and comfort each other, rather than reacting or being provoked,” Guenther says.
Keep in mind, being in a relationship with someone who has low emotional intelligence will exacerbate your anxious attachment and make it harder for you to form a secure attachment.
They won’t understand your position, which can make you feel unsure of yourself and your feelings.
2. Treat yourself like your best friend.
When in doubt, try talking to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. Now, on the surface, this might seem a little silly. After all, what difference would it make if you talked to yourself like you would talk to a friend?
But speaking kindly to yourself can actually have a bigger impact on your growth than you might think.
by National Library of Medicine“Perhaps more importantly, self-compassion is strongly associated with emotional intelligence and wisdom.”
So the next time you feel negative self-talk creeping in, take a deep breath, calm yourself, and think about what advice you would give to a friend.
Maybe you’d tell them, “Hey, it’s okay that you feel that way. There’s nothing wrong with you,” Guenther says.
Remember to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to fail and make mistakes.
3. Seek intimacy with your partner.
From my personal experience, being close to your partner eases your anxieties and worries to a great extent. Yes, a simple hug from your fiancé can erase most of your self-doubt.
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But intimacy doesn’t just mean hugs and kisses: “It can also be cuddling, words of affirmation, or just sex,” says Guenther.
He continues that experiencing love from his partner has always given him solace and comfort in his weakest times, and maybe the same can be said for you.
4. Create a coherent narrative about your life.
Want to create a coherent narrative about your life? Start by understanding your past experiences. The best way to do this is through therapy, but you can also do it on your own, says Guenther.
I recommend getting a diary and writing down and recording your most significant past experiences and trying to understand how these experiences influence your current behavior.
By practicing this method, Guenther explains, “I was able to achieve better psychological integration and emotional stability.”
Here’s the reality: building a secure attachment relationship is hard work, and you’ll make a lot of mistakes along the way.
But by utilizing these four tips, you can make the journey to building a secure attachment relationship a lot easier.
Marielisa Reyes has a degree in Psychology and is a writer whose writing covers topics such as self-improvement, relationships, careers, and family.