We already know that there are many wonderful things about love, as the saying goes, but anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship knows just how wonderful true love can be. But I also know that the process is rarely smooth.
As with anything that develops over time, a relationship goes through some bumps as a couple moves from being single as two individuals to a team choosing to spend their lives together. There are stages.
You might feel sick to your stomach sometimes, but in a good way. To others, your sex drive may seem virtually out of control. Sometimes you literally get tired of that person and never want to leave, and sometimes you wonder if one day that person will (eventually) leave and give you peace and quiet.
According to records from 2014 Research conducted by psychologist Dr. Linda Papadopoulos for online dating site eHarmonythere are five stages in a relationship that couples typically experience over time: butterfly, building, assimilation, sincerity, and stability.
It is important to note that these stages do not always occur in the exact same order, and some stages may occur or repeat cyclically. This means that some couples may return to certain stages over and over again during the course of their relationship.
According to research, there are five stages of a relationship that all couples go through:
Stage 1: Infatuation (aka butterfly)
The best part when you start falling in love is getting carried away with butterflies. In some cases, getting carried away can be a bad thing, but when you’re both hooked on winning it, it’s great.
I can’t sleep or concentrate. And the most important thing in the world is to meet that person again.
The study found that 56% of people in the infatuation stage also noticed a noticeable increase in sex drive. In short, all you want to do is stay in bed with your new lover until dawn.
However, this may be too much of a good thing, especially if you’re so carried away that you’re blind to reality.
Relationship coach Larry Michel explains: The strongest and most common cause of infatuation is chemistry. Chemistry is a mixture of brain chemicals and hormones that literally stimulate our senses and make us fall in love with someone. The six main elements are dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, oxytocin, testosterone, and phenylethylamine (PEA). ”
As a result, he says, “chemistry is very likely to be a false indicator of a durable relationship.”
Important tip for the infatuation stage: Make sure you stay grounded in reality. Neither you nor your new partner are perfect. So stop thinking of them that way.
Instead, see them as they are. In other words, he is a flawed human being. This will help you differentiate between who you think you are and who you should see as a whole.
“Recognize that you are under the influence of an illusory love and take the time to see the other person for who they are…be honest about what you want and who you are.” recommends relationship coach Marilyn Sutherland.
Stage 2. Comfort (aka Buildings)
The comfort stage is when things in your body are a little calmer and your feelings of adoration and devotion are less hazy.
Research shows that it releases neurochemicals that increase your heart rate and the volume of your pleasure zones. In fact, scientists say these feelings are comparable to class A drugs.
I experience something called “happy anxiety” but still have trouble finding a way to sleep. The honeymoon period may be over, but things haven’t completely cooled down yet.
Important Tips for the Comfort Stage: This is the “in-between” stage, where the feelings of infatuation have passed but there is still no agreement as to whether there is a future in the relationship, so the relationship is Remind yourself of one thing. This is not sustainable.
“Think of losing your fantasy high as an opportunity to get to know them better and for them to get to know you. Share your values, goals, dreams, and what you can build together.” Focus on what works, and work together to find ways to bridge the big differences,” adds Sutherland.
Stage 3. Questioning (aka assimilation)
Naturally, you’ll reach a stage where you’re second-guessing what’s going on. In the questioning stage, you begin to wonder if things are “right.” You begin to doubt whether this relationship will last or even if this person is right for you.
You start asking yourself if this is really what you want. Do you think you can be with this person for a long time? Is it more serious than you thought? Is there any chance of a long-term relationship? Is there compatibility beyond a superficial level?
Michelle added: “The challenge is to prove whether couples are driven by compatibility or by a strong sense that the person they are dating truly appears to meet some or all of their greatest needs and desires. and to be able to determine who this person is.” They really want to be their partner. ”
Important tips for the questioning stage: During the questioning stage, it is important not to doubt yourself, but to try to understand what is right for you and your future. Therefore, it is important to be on the same page with your partner.
Discuss what you both want, whether your values are aligned, and how you can deal with any issues that arise between the two of you.
Sutherland says: “Understand that no one agrees 100% and strive to resolve differences with loving kindness. Be kind to yourself and to them as you navigate uncertainty.”
Stage 4. Vulnerability (aka Honesty)
“This stage deals with the concept behind how we all look our best. Through social media, we edit our lives and photos to show how well everything is going. ,” the study shows.
In fact, the study found that 15% of people experience an “increased sense of doubt and vulnerability” when they’re honest about who they really are and the weird quirks we all have. .
Vulnerability is one of the most important parts of an intimate relationship. And your stress levels start to rise because you seem to be taking a risk by exposing your true self.
However, the vulnerability stage indicates that you and your partner have moved into a serious relationship.
Important Tips for the Vulnerability Stage: Revealing both the good and bad parts of yourself isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary step for a successful relationship.
It’s not easy to be vulnerable, but sharing parts of yourself that you don’t want others to see shows your partner that you can be deeper, that you trust them, and that your relationship is on the surface. It can be shown that it is not a typical thing.
“Learn to truly communicate with love and embrace your differences,” Sutherland adds. “Stay open and honest and continue to set boundaries.” Actively ask for what you want and need. ”
Stage 5. Stability
After overcoming the ups and downs, doubts about the future and fear of going deeper together, the stability stage is when everything is fine and you feel safe.
Vasopressin, the same hormone released during orgasm, circulates throughout the body and creates strong attachment and bonding. The couple is very happy at this stage, even if the initial intensity has faded.
It is these feelings that create truly lasting relationships. Some might even say it’s the best stage of a relationship. If you’re lucky, there will still be butterflies.
It’s natural to want to take your relationship in a new direction, such as becoming special, renting an apartment together, or getting engaged. You are happy together, the fear of breaking up is gone, and you are looking forward to your future together.
Important Tips about the Stability Phase: You may feel bored at some point during this phase. That’s why it’s important to have a life outside of your relationship with your partner. In short, your life shouldn’t revolve solely around your partner.
Additionally, find ways to add excitement to your relationship. Try new activities and do things that help you stay connected.
As Sutherland recommends, “If you’re feeling bored, share your desire for stimulation and variety, and find a way to build a relationship that meets both of your needs. Cherish the friendships and partnerships you build. , don’t take it for granted. Express your love every day.”
No matter where you are in your relationship, couples should be careful not to compare or judge themselves or their relationship to unrealistic expectations. Neither you nor your partner need to look at other couples and wonder what’s missing in their relationships. Your relationships simply cannot be compared.
After all, each relationship is unique.
Amanda Chatel is an essayist and intimacy health writer for Yourtango, Shape Magazine, Hello Giggles, Glamor, and Harper’s Bazaar.