When my 5 year relationship ended, I admitted that I was polyamorous. For me, it’s more natural to love and commit to multiple partners rather than just one.
It’s a feeling I’ve always suspected since I was little, even before I met my then-ex-boyfriend. But it wasn’t until my third year in college that I decided to explore things.
She wasn’t sure about the idea at first. But eventually she agreed to give it a try. As expected, our friends were upset about this.
“Why did you let him do that?!” they shouted at her.
“She’s such an amazing woman! Isn’t she good enough for you?! They screamed even louder at me.
But polyamory is never a matter of “enough is enough.” It’s not even about having more. For me, it’s “relationship-oriented.”
For example, if you have a gay person and a straight person. There are also monogamous people and non-monogamous people. It operates on a spectrum and forms the core of who you are and how your emotions function.
In college, I tried very hard to explain how I felt. But most of my friends just gave me confused looks or joked about converting to Islam. Even when I explained that marriage and religion had nothing to do with it, they said, “That’s why you can have more than one wife.”
But I couldn’t blame them. We are bombarded with social cues and messages that claim romantic happiness can only be found in her 18th-century style nuclear marriage.
Google, Reddit, and books like ethical slut They were my only empathetic confidants and my only source of advice and understanding. I felt especially alone at the time because I didn’t personally know anyone who was emotionally moved the way I was. As far as I was concerned, I was the only weirdo in my town who thought it was ethically possible to have multiple partners, even if you weren’t Muslim or Mormon.
Anyway, my ex-boyfriend of 5 years and I ignored our friends and continued experimenting because we loved each other.
As I grew closer to other women, I realized that my feelings for my girlfriend had never changed. In fact, I felt like she was growing as a person. I learned a lot from different partners and was able to channel this growth into existing relationships, which in turn grew further and fed back into the cycle.
In comparison, my ex-boyfriend of five years didn’t entertain other people. “You are enough for me,” she said. I should have taken that as a red flag.
Then she met a guy at a bar, we got intimate, but suddenly all her feelings for me disappeared. It’s like water moving from glass to glass.
A few years later, at a cafe, a close friend asked me, “How are you feeling?”
I showed him the three empty glasses. I told him I had three glasses in me. I wasn’t sure if there were more, but I’ve found three so far. We poured water into each glass. I told him that water is similar to my emotions, love, etc.
When you meet a very special girl, she will be assigned a specific glass. And when I become intimate with another person, the glass assigned to that person remains untouched. It’s only hers. My feelings will never be expressed.
After going through the pain of losing my ex-girlfriend of 5 years to another man, I realized that not all people have such feelings. Most people can only transfer their emotions from one glass to another.
All they can have is “The One”.
“But isn’t that exhausting? Wouldn’t having multiple ‘real’ partners spread your attention and emotional investment too much?” my friend asked.
I agreed that it would divide my time and attention.
“But managing time and attention for different girls is a completely different matter,” I replied. “That’s something everyone in the relationship has to strive for and agree to.
When it comes to emotional investment, no. I don’t feel tired at all. In fact, I feel more fulfilled. Because my other glasses aren’t sitting around unused and old. ”
Over time, I realized that my first attempt at polyamory was a huge failure from the beginning. My ex-boyfriend of five years is monogamous by nature. If she had to change that part of herself just to fit me, things would never work out for her.
In mid-2020 I met a special girl. We dated for a while. After thinking about it, I decided to confess.
“I’m polyamorous,” I told her one night. “I like what we have. But my experience has taught me that I shouldn’t be with strictly monogamous people. Otherwise, we both… You will be in terrible pain.”
She said she thought she was monogamous. But that’s because she never thought it was possible to have a truly intimate relationship that wasn’t monogamous. She liked me, she said. She even rejected two traditionally inclined suitors, each of whom wanted to be exclusive to her. So we tried it.
But I was always wary of making the same mistake.
We both agreed to try dating other people. And we always told each other everything. Honesty and communication were non-negotiables.
We slowly accepted it. We started with a few farewell kisses with the other partners. Then we gauged our feelings. Were we both okay? The answer was a confident “yes!”
Then I became close to a woman. After the woman left the hotel room, I called my partner. I knew at that moment that I had to disclose the information immediately. I had my partner come over and I spilled the beans. To her surprise, she became angry and cried.
At that time, I thought: Was I forcing another naturally monogamous person to conform to me? Am I repeating my mistakes?
“I’m not mad at what you did,” she said after making me explain my thought process behind calling her late at night to a hotel room I had booked for another woman. , she said later. (I couldn’t wait to tell her that since she became my closest friend).
“He’s in the middle of an execution.”
I wasn’t sure if I heard correctly.
“Shouldn’t we have talked about it here? Does that mean you’re not okay with it? Are you okay with going further with other women?”
She looked at me and sighed.
“We have to set some ground rules. First, don’t call me on the same day you do something intimate with another woman.”
I nodded enthusiastically, reminding myself to be more tactful next time. I asked if there were any other rules as I am happy to abide by them.
She shook her head and smiled.
“I’ll figure out the rest as I go along.”
Then I remembered my ex-boyfriend of five years. It took me over a year and a half to recover from the breakup. If things don’t go well, you run the risk of being devastated again. If my current partner met someone she connects with on a deeper level, would her feelings towards me change? Will it be transferred from one glass to another like water?
However, that only applies to human relationships. Risk always exists.
I think that’s a constant in all relationships, monogamous or not. We won’t know if we’re destined for a bad breakup until we try our best.
Three years later, the “rule” of no contact on dates with other people has been largely ignored. As she said in 2020, I thought about the rest as I went along. Both sides made many stupid mistakes. However, for us, Polycule As the network of partners involved has grown, we have come to understand and harmonize with each other better. The comfort level has also expanded.
Currently, my partner has two other partners besides me. I’m also dating one of her partners (so we’re kind of in a threesome). And I have another partner that I don’t connect with the other because we have very different personalities. Although they all know each other.
Also, all members of Polycule have been together for quite some time, some longer than others.
Relationships have helped me get through times of crisis, such as when I had to be hospitalized in 2021 and when my partner had a medical emergency last year. I did. There have been ups and downs, but so far, we’re all still here.
In my experience, polyamory settings are mostly free-flowing.
Our Polycule works in a way that prioritizes the individual over the relationship. For example, if a person needs to move to another city or country in search of a better career, that move will be supported. Even if it means leaving your partner behind.
Therefore, it is not acceptable to uproot your career to accommodate your partner.
We are together not because we need each other, but because we choose each other. And we make that choice every day, for as long as we want.
I think that’s one of the best ways to love someone, whether monogamous or non-monogamous.
John Pucay is a writer from Baguio City, Philippines. His novel ‘Kalinderiya Love Songs’, which depicts dating and sex in the 2020s, received positive reviews on BookTok and Booksta. He blogs about relationships, polyamory, running, and life.
This article was originally published at: Moderate. Reprinted with permission from the author.