How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. I have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
dear way,
I’m an obese woman in my early 30s. We had sex, but it was okay at best. Part of the problem is that it takes a very long time to feel attracted to someone before you feel a sense of trust and comfort in the bedroom (similar to unrequited love that builds up over many years). A bigger part is the immense fatphobia out there and the automatic rejection before anything even begins. This made my dating life very boring. I hate using dating apps. My matches are almost always with men who are creepy, lie about their age, or have a weird vibe about them that I just don’t find attractive. A few guys I met off-app had pretty mediocre dates, even more mediocre sex, and even ghosted each other afterwards.
I find it difficult to open up and fully enjoy myself during sex with strangers. When someone asked me what I liked, I felt like I completely shut down and mumbled a nonsensical answer. Perhaps because I come from an Asian family, I have a hard time voicing my sexual desires. Or maybe you had a strange experience in college that made you feel weird talking about sex. It’s embarrassing and awkward to tell a man what you like. That’s why you need to have sex with someone you can deeply trust and be vulnerable with. I’m looking for a real relationship because I think sex is better for me with a partner I really have feelings for. But I find it really hard to meet men in a naturally romantic way because no man would look at me twice because of my size and weight.
I am a confident person, intelligent, accomplished in my career, have many friends, and a vibrant social and cultural life. I believe in myself and my worth, so I think I can be a hooker for anything other than looks (I don’t mean to sound selfish). I’ve accepted my body with all its flaws, including the medical reasons for obesity, but when it comes to dating and sex, good men seem to take one look at a fat person and run. The older I get, the less I’m lucky enough to find “that one” who loves me. All of my friends are traditionally attractive and beautiful women, but for me, I feel like I can’t relate to their struggles with fatphobia at all. I don’t know what more to do. Just accept a life without good (or any) sex? Would I triple my efforts to lose weight, even if it feels like it’s for the wrong reasons? What if I can’t find a partner?
–I’m fat and lonely, but I promise you’re really cool.
Dear fat and lonely, you’re really cool, I promise.
You know who you are, what you need, what you want, and what areas you need to work on in order to communicate well with your partner. This is all great.
The fatphobia you describe is real. People are often shallow, and most men I’ve known over the years freely admit to being superficial when it comes to people they try to get to know in the context of sex or romance. Lately, my mind has been rough and I’ve been leaning toward the idea that “most straight men are superficial.” They also often want to date women they find more attractive than they think they are. While the rankings are obviously irrational, the need to “climb the ladder” is also pretty frustrating.
I’m sorry (to you, to me, and to some other people) that this situation has come to pass. Don’t try too hard to meet society’s expectations. Cultivate friendships, including new friendships with women who are also fat and can relate to this from first-hand experience. Please keep a pet. Get a really good vibrator (or an assortment of vibrators, dongs, and other devices) and have some good sex.
When you finally find someone who is attracted to you, and you are attracted to them too, be aware of the red flags. Difficulties in dating can lead to inconsistencies and flaws being overlooked when something finally looks like it’s going to work out. Tell them you’re having trouble communicating and see how patient they are with it. A lot of patience is a good sign. It’s also a good sign that you’ll become more comfortable with them over time. Good luck.
Help us keep giving you the advice you want every week. Sign up for Slate Plus today.
dear way,
My husband and I have been married for eight years, and we have a fulfilling, if somewhat routine, sex life. We know each other’s bodies very well. Virtually every time she finishes at least once. My problem is that I want to be more confident and able to talk dirty. I have some issues related to foul language, as there have been various instances of harassment and sexual assault. A couple of times when we were dating, I talked dirty to my girlfriend’s husband at his request, and I broke down in tears and told him that I was uncomfortable and why. He was so kind and understanding that he never brought up the subject again. But I know it’s a big change for him. I know therapy might be the answer, but we’ve tried it several times. We went to see a sex therapist about this and he said he is an older man and said it’s possible that the problem I described is because one or both of us are actually gay/lesbian. We started the session assuming we were sexual (we are both bisexual). we didn’t go back. There are other sex therapists in the area, but the waiting list to see them is over 6 months.
You want to be comfortable doing this. I love when that happens in erotic media. Lately, we’ve been talking about trying new things in the bedroom, and I’d especially like to play the role of a gentle queen. But what if you get stuck? Most communication in bed is nonverbal, but that doesn’t mean you don’t say anything during sex. Sometimes they say simple phrases like “a little to the left” or “yes” or “oh my god.” However, when it comes to slang and more overtly sexual language, I just can’t bring myself to say it. This is especially true when we use these words to describe ourselves and the actions that are being done to us.
—Nervous Talker
Dear Nervous Talker
Practice talking openly about sex yourself. Get ideas by reading erotica featuring femdom interactions, or start by saying the exact lines that interest you. Look in the mirror while you do this. Put some emotion into it. Find words or phrases that make you feel good while saying them.
If you’ve tried something and nothing feels right, you might want to consider whether it’s worth pushing yourself to try something that doesn’t suit you. Alternatively, you can have her husband guess as part of the Mistress’s role. Or use sex game cards and dice to communicate nonverbally.
It may also help reframe open and direct discussion of sex from “dirty talk” (which has shame in its name) to something like explicit verbal eroticism. unknown. Good luck.
dear way,
I (a cis/hat male) have a hard time connecting sexually with my girlfriend. We have been dating for about 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship. I am attracted to her and when I start having sex with her she gets an erection. She almost always reaches climax. However, for various reasons, I am having more and more trouble reaching orgasm with her. Example: My penis was small and her vagina was large. She also prefers angles that are unfavorable to my excitement. Also, she doesn’t like giving oral sex, which is usually something that definitely makes me uncomfortable. (I know this sometimes happens to men who masturbate frequently or watch a lot of porn, but not me. I only do it once every week or two.) Hmm.) This is starting to get into my head. Our relationship is really strong in every other way, but I’m starting to feel like I’m less attracted to her or something because of my problems in bed. I tried talking to her about this, but she wasn’t very helpful. How can I discuss this with her or deal with our situation? Help!
–The missing piece
Dear lost pieces
I mean, you told me about the sex issue, but you didn’t tell me anything about how you discussed that issue with your girlfriend. If your question is about communication. There is a communication error between the two of you, and there is also a communication error between you and me. How’s your communication in other areas of your life? If it’s bad overall, you might want to see a therapist and work on strengthening those skills. If you’re just having trouble communicating in or around sexual relationships, try to understand what’s going on there.
Are you embarrassed? Start addressing your internalized messages. Are you lacking in vocabulary? read.Browse relationship books or read the archives of this and other similar columns (perhaps a little Zachary Zane). Whatever works best for you. Are there other issues causing this problem? Find it and start thinking about how to change the situation. I understand this. If you would like to write back with more information about what happened when we talked, we welcome you with open arms.
—Stoya
More advice from Slate
The first time I had sex with my boyfriend when I was 17, he came very quickly, within a minute. he was embarrassed. I told him that was normal — I think I made this confident claim based on a teen movie — and that next time it would last longer. The problem is, he didn’t actually do that. Every time we had sex, maybe after a minute or two, he had to pull out of his grip or it was over (yes, he tried the baseball trick) .of other I mean, I’m really starting to like this.