I said to some of my neighbors, “I’m leaving.” “I’m going to take my sons and live with her sister.”
I wasn’t playing around.
I was married for eight excruciating years. The man I was dating was not the man I married. It took me a while to understand that. At first I couldn’t understand who or what he was and what had happened to the great man I knew.
The good-natured man who had charmed me was now harsh, ruthless, and cruel. But I finally recognized a pattern.
My husband was a great guy if I didn’t interfere. Once I left his world and was in my own world, things went well.
This means that I did not interfere with his work or workday for any reason. I took care of the children and home and worked in the business. But twice a year I necessarily needed him for something. I mean, that’s what marriage is about, right?
It didn’t matter what I needed him for. It could have been housework or maintenance. It could be about the kids, or it could be about big things like traveling, parties, preparing for surgery.
And all hell broke loose.
One point of conflict turned into a month of tears. my tears There was never a solution.
We had to participate in whatever was being discussed. If I needed help with something, I did it alone. When it came to children, I dealt with it by myself. It didn’t matter how big or small my need for help was…my husband made it clear that I was on my own.
After a cold and cruel month, I usually picked myself up and moved on. But this time, eight years later, her husband pushed me to the brink.
Not only did I discover a pattern of behavior in him, but he had done two things in the past year that were absolutely intolerable. When his second son was born he refused to pick me up at the hospital and also refused to go to the hospital when his son had a tube put in his ear.
It was so unnatural that it ended.
When my son was born, my husband ended up picking me up from the hospital because our townhouse neighbors saw me crying when I got out of the car. A neighbor asked her why she was crying since she was giving birth the next day, and she replied that she was refusing to give birth.
The neighbor stood up in front of the husband and said, “You’re going to pick up your wife from the hospital.” That was the only reason her husband did it.
A few months later, I was in the hospital alone to have a tube inserted into my 10-month-old baby. Her husband’s aunt knew I was scared and showed up to sit with me. Her husband felt no guilt or concern for the child.
Three weeks into my stay at my sister’s house, I heard a knock on the door of the flower shop.
“If it’s from my husband,” I said. “You’ll have to send all the florists to bring me back.” Unfortunately, I didn’t stick to those words.
My husband begged and begged me to come back. He said he was sorry and said he was going to marriage counseling. I gave up and went back to him. We started couples therapy, and the second time my son needed ear tubes, he actually went to the hospital with me.
We had a relatively good 6 years where I felt just like the guy I used to date. But the leopard does not change its location. He wanted to quit the second time.
Here’s why divorce can be so ugly. Because we stay in very unhealthy relationships and wait too long to break up.
My husband was the same person he had always been, but as he got older it became more difficult. And he was furious that I would even consider leaving him again.
Anger was building inside him.
It’s ironic, really, because it was supposed to be germinating inside me.
And for a time it was. I was furious that we were repeating an unbearable relationship. I had no intention of going back there. I’ve never dated a man who treated me that way, and I definitely wouldn’t have married a man I thought would treat me that way.
However, my husband refused to come back, so I continued to go to marriage counseling alone.
I worked through the hurt, pain, and anger. I accepted the mistakes I made and took responsibility for my choices.
When we decided to divorce, we faced a sad reality. It was devastating.
I wasn’t looking for revenge. He had no intention of punishing anyone. But my husband was.
He wasn’t going to divorce me without making me pay for the breakup. He used the divorce as an excuse for abuse. He was relentless and played out all the same issues we had in our marriage because he didn’t spend any time in counseling or individual reflection.
He didn’t think of divorce as an unhappy breakup. He saw it as a way to take out all his anger on me.
The reason divorces are so ugly is because they wait too long. And all the baggage of relationships turns into weapons.
My husband has an extreme personality and it was very difficult. He already had a tendency to make divorce ugly. This was inevitable due to his unique personality, but as he grew older, his conflict and resentment increased, making it even worse.
Even for normal people who are not too difficult, anger and frustration can build up, which can lead to divorce. Whether someone is married to a fairly easygoing personality or a difficult and extreme personality, the longer an unhealthy relationship lasts, the uglier it becomes.
Colleen Sheehy Ohm He is a national affairs columnist, journalist, and former business columnist. She writes about love, life, relationships, family, parenting, divorce, and narcissism.