Your relationship with your spouse is one of the most important bonds in your life. It offers you the opportunity to connect with deep love, someone to share experiences with, and help you grow into a better version of yourself.
But other forces can get in the way, such as bad habits or unhealthy beliefs. We asked therapists to name some of the biggest threats to married people’s happiness. Below, they share their thoughts and offer advice on how to turn things around if you’re struggling.
Comparing your relationships to those of others.
Humans have an innate tendency to consider how they compare to others. Sometimes the instinct to compare can be the driving force. But too often you end up with: thief of joy. Constantly trying to determine how your marriage is different from someone else’s is “potentially dangerous” For overall relationship health”, Los Angeles Marriage and Family Therapist abigail makepeace he told HuffPost.
“Although comparison may sometimes be uplifting, overall comparison generally leads to a negative self-view,” Makepeace says. “There’s no way to know all the experiences and information in someone else’s marriage, so you usually end up comparing your day-to-day experiences in your own relationship to social media and other highlight reels about the other marriage in question. It is very powerful to publish without knowing all the facts.”
Keep in mind that these are only small glimpses of what other couples’ lives are like, and they are often carefully selected. When you stop comparing, Makepeace says, you create more room for appreciation and growth in your own relationships.
“Instead of focusing on outward comparisons, spend time reflecting on how much you’ve grown as a couple or the challenges you’ve overcome.”
– Abigail Makepeace, Marriage and Family Therapist
“Instead of focusing on outward comparisons, spend time reflecting on how much you’ve grown as a couple or the challenges you’ve overcome,” she said. “This shift in mindset will lift your overall mood and allow you to connect more deeply with your spouse.”
If you find yourself falling into a comparison trap, identify what’s missing in your relationships and think about how you can take positive action in this area.
“A dream vacation you envy? Invite your spouse into the process and perhaps turn it into a shared savings goal,” Makepeace said. “Are you jealous of the time other couples spend doing activities together? Use that as inspiration to spend more time together.”
have a child
Research shows that people’s When a child is born, marital happiness decreases. – Especially during the first year of life – It takes time to fully recover. Children can bring deep love and joy into a couple’s lives, but they can definitely bring new stressors as well.
“Many married couples share a common focus on the ultimate goal of starting a family, but they often overlook the profound impact that having and raising children has on their marriage,” says the licensed clinical social worker. nicole sanders Charlotte, a therapist in North Carolina, told HuffPost. “It’s not uncommon to be able to trace the beginning of a marital breakdown to the birth of the first child.”
It’s only natural that having more children puts a strain on a marriage, Sanders said, “and that’s to be expected.”
To combat this, she recommends jointly carving out time to bond as a couple.
“Whether it’s setting aside 15 minutes to enjoy coffee together in the morning, or prioritizing quality time without distractions like phones to cuddle and talk before bed, It doesn’t matter if it’s something simple,” she says. “Given the energy and time constraints that come with parenting responsibilities, it also means finding time for sex and intimacy.”
Expect you and your partner to remain the same throughout the relationship
Many people mistakenly believe that the person they married on their wedding day will be the same person 5, 10, or even 50 years later. lauren baileyChicago-based Expansive Group therapists are I have worked with quite a few clients who have had a hard time accepting major changes in their partner’s life, whether it be related to career, sexuality, or gender.
“The same is true for other clients who are afraid to upend the status quo in their relationships when they realize something new or different about themselves,” Bailey told HuffPost.
“When we hold our partners and ourselves hostage and do not allow change, we are sacrificing our individual and collective well-being,” they said.
Instead, try to give you and your partner the space they need to learn and grow.
“Create a safe haven where they can take what they discover about themselves and ask your partner to do the same,” Bailey said. “If you’re afraid of exploring, find a place where you can voice your fears without stopping your partner from exploring.”
“If your partner is trying to stop you from exploring, reassure them that exploration doesn’t mean the end of the relationship,” they said. “One of my favorite quotes from one of my clients is,“It felt like we were falling apart, but we were actually falling into place.”
I don’t have time for regular check-ins
Couples tend to be two ships in the night, each preoccupied with their own personal to-do lists, worries, and distractions, with few moments of true connection. . But not being able to keep track of each other’s “nearly daily emotional pulse” can drive them further apart, says a Los Angeles-based couples therapist. david naran.
“This will remain You are isolated from each other, more vulnerable to more intense conflict, and It could be a betrayal,” he told HuffPost.
Narang spends 15 to 20 minutes each night talking about the day’s events and, more importantly,The emotional impact of those events — e.g. Joy, stress, fear, and sadness are different for each partner. ” Ask questions so you can really understand where your partner is coming from.
“When we feel known by our partner, we get the intimacy we need. They are more likely to voluntarily protect us as a couple,” Narang said.
“This protection means, for example, “When a conflict occurs, we are more likely to contain it than to take it off course,” he said. “this Protection also extends to strengthening your resolve not to betray your partner. Because you especially want to avoid hurting your spouse because of intimacy. Because now it is difficult for another acquaintance to look as attractive as their own partner. ”
put yourself last
You’re probably familiar with the airplane oxygen mask analogy. You must first put on your own mask before helping others. Sanders says this idea also applies to marriage. You can’t be a great partner if you’re always putting other people’s needs before your own.
“We found that people who were unwilling to talk to their support networks about their relationships, warts and all, were doing so at the expense of their own well-being.”
– Lauren Bailey, Therapist
“When you hate your body, constantly put your personal desires aside, and ignore your emotional well-being, it’s difficult to be your best self in relationships,” says Sanders. “Setting aside time each day for self-care builds confidence, gives you a positive outlook, and increases your overall sense of well-being. Injecting this energy into your relationships on a daily basis will instantly improve them.”
Blame your partner for your unhappiness
As a marriage and family therapist, Makepeace often sees clients who believe that their partner’s actions or inactions are the reason for their own unhappiness.
“Although unintentionally, spouses may channel disappointments in their lives into anger toward their partner or use their partner as a scapegoat for their own failures,” she says.
“Sometimes we are deeply influenced by our partner’s actions,” she says. “But like all relationships, the only thing we can control is our own actions.”
Remember that each of us is responsible for our own well-being. By changing your mindset, you can reduce your feelings of anger and frustration. ”And both couples become more empowered towards their own pleasure,” Ms Makepeace said.
not asking for help or support
One of the biggest threats to happiness in long-term relationships is the belief that you and your partner don’t belong.“Especially when a relationship is in turmoil, just trusting each other can get you through life,” Bailey said.
Relying on others for emotional support when you need it is a sign of strength, not weakness.
“It may sound selfish of you as a therapist to say, ‘Hire a therapist,’ but trust me, relationship counselors are also in therapy and discussing relationships,” Bailey said. . “No one is an island.”
Bailey said his clients have also found success within their communities and in internal support groups.
“We found that people who were reluctant to talk about their relationships, warts and all, to their support networks were doing so at the expense of their own well-being,” Bailey said. “Your support network is not there to judge your partner, but rather to support you. Let them be there for you. It can make a world of difference.” ”