According to the survey, around 30% of women and 23% of men are “compromising” with their partners rather than marrying their “true love”.
Having spent a lifetime studying sex and relationships, I completely agree with that number. (What “true love” actually means is a topic for another day.) In many ways, it makes sense.
What we look for in love is entirely different than what we look for in a spouse or the future father/mother of our children.
“I can’t breathe without them” love is often characterized by major ups and downs, anxiety, and intense passion.
When you’re young, the amazing highs (out-of-this-world sex, the excitement of a “soul mate”) are worth putting up with the not-so-great parts. But as you get older and more mature, that’s not the case.
Dependability. Friendship. Good habits. Financial stability. All the “boring” people suddenly seem not so boring.
Some of us are lucky enough to find these qualities in the person we fall in love with. Others are not so lucky and marry someone whose family will approve and support them throughout their lives.
This all makes a lot of sense. But does it make us happy? To find out, I spoke to a range of men and women whose “dream partners” didn’t work out.
“Decades later, I’ve never stopped loving her. That sounds so tragic.”
Scott, 51, has been in a loveless relationship for 24 years and still misses his first love.
“I met Sarah in college and we were deeply in love for four years. Our friends were dating each other and other people, but we weren’t interested in anyone else.
It was a tumultuous relationship, with a lot of jealousy issues due to my past (my mother was very unfaithful). I would go into jealous rages over the smallest of things, and we eventually broke up. My mother wanted children and didn’t want to raise them in such an unstable environment. But there’s no doubt we still loved each other.
All the members of the college group remained friends, and I watched as Sarah met another guy, a nice guy actually. He wasn’t a show-stopper, but he was good to her. I didn’t go to the wedding, but I wasn’t surprised when she got pregnant and married. We were invited, but I couldn’t bear to watch her stand there and say vows to someone else.
I say “we” because I was in relationships with other people too, relationships that came about by chance, not by choice. She was sweet and tried to please me, but I never loved her. We dated, she got pregnant and asked to have babies, but that didn’t mean I didn’t love her in some way… you get the idea.
We are still together 24 years and 2 children later. I never wanted to marry her. I respect and love her but for me it was a loveless relationship and I honestly don’t know why she put up with it.
She knows I never stopped loving Sarah. When we broke up, I knew I would never stop loving her. I am 51 now and have lived my life with my heart belonging to someone who is not mine. It is as devastating as it sounds. Some of my close female friends know I still love her and are devastated by it. They keep telling me to move on but I don’t want to. My heart misses her. That’s a dramatic word, but it’s the only one that fits.
Sarah has 4 kids and is still with the same man, but I wouldn’t mind getting my hopes up. There was a weird period where we just met for a bit. She texted me out of the blue and asked if we could meet up. Rumor has it she was having problems with her husband.
We met in the park. She also thought about me all the time and confessed that I was the love of her life. We kissed, we cried. We went to a hotel, we had sex and we met up a few times.
But she had four kids and I had two, and neither of us wanted to hurt anyone. That was five years ago. Somehow, it made the situation better. At least I know I never imagined such a big love.”
“I don’t think I ‘compromised’. Choosing a sensible man was the best decision of my life.”
Haley, 40, has three children and has been happily married for 11 years.
“I’m a practical and sensible person, which is why I have no regrets about marrying someone I think would be the best husband and father over someone I feel passionate about.”
Having a child with someone is a choice that needs to be carefully considered. It involves sacrifices. You are taking on the responsibility of bringing a human being into the world and hopefully raising him or her to be a respectable adult. That requires calm and stability. And most passionate love is not calm and stable.
That wasn’t the case for me. We were on and off again. I was very paranoid and jealous about everything. Every time we broke up I felt like my life was over and I hated that feeling.
Even though I was crazy about this guy, it took me 5 years to break up with him and date again. It was a survival thing. My life would not have been happy if I had stayed with him.
I am happily married to a man who is dependable, trustworthy, financially stable, and the best role model for my children I could ever hope for. My children love him, and I have grown to love him more and more over the years.
That’s not the love I had for my ex. If I were to talk about the strongest love I’ve ever had for someone, my ex deserves the “love of a lifetime” award.
But what I have now is true love, built on a solid foundation of friendship and respect, not on fluid things like lust and passion. I wouldn’t trade my husband for my ex’s million dollars. I don’t think I “compromised.” I made the wise choice, and it was the best decision of my life.”
“An affair is the only solution. I can’t live without him, but I can’t leave my family.”
Esther, 46, has children and has been married for 18 years. She and her first love, Joe, had an affair for 15 years.
“Joe and I met when we were 15. We were inseparable for many years, then I went off to college and he moved on. We made the usual promise: we could do whatever we wanted with each other while we were apart, but we hope to get back together again.”
I waited for two years but Joe continued on his journey. I accidentally got pregnant with a man I was dating and my parents forced us to get married. I was from a small conservative town and that’s what you did.
Five years after he left, Joe returned. I had a child and was reasonably happily married when he suddenly showed up on my doorstep, told me he loved me and begged me to leave my husband. I was heartbroken but told him it was too late. I thought he would leave town but he didn’t. Four years later he was married too.
It was really hard for me to see him with his wife. I avoided them as much as I could. Then we all got invited to a friend’s birthday party. I didn’t expect him to be there and he didn’t expect to see me either.
I remember seeing him up close and personal and being completely overwhelmed with emotion and admiration. I love my husband, but Joe was the unquestionable love of my life. I think there’s something special about first love – you never get over it.
We were both drunk, we had both run away from our spouses, we met at the back of the garden, we quickly kissed, and that was it.
We’ve been having an affair for many years since then. It’s been going on for 15 years and no one knows. The only people who know are trusted friends who’ve known Joe and I from the beginning. She’s my go-to if we have to change our usual meeting arrangements. Other than that, we have no contact. We meet in safe places and never anywhere else. I don’t think we’ll ever be found out unless my friend tells someone.
I can’t live without him, but I can’t see the repercussions of both of us leaving our families behind to come to such a small town. For now, it’s the only solution we can think of. Maybe when our kids grow up, we can leave the town and finally live our lives the way we should.”
*Some names have been changed.
- Tracey’s product lines, Supersex and Edge, are sold exclusively through lovehoney. Listen to her weekly podcast, “SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey,” on your favorite podcast platform.