You are dating a man and apparently things are going well. OK, I get it, if you have to admit, you have some small doubts…
He’s spending a lot less time with you than he used to (for example, your regular Saturday night date has been replaced with a guys night out). He doesn’t have as much love for you as he did at first. Every time you asked him about plans — “Have you checked the calendar to see if you’ll be in time for my cousin Sheila’s wedding next month?” — he dodged the question.
Sure, there are some other red flags, but you don’t want to get into them.
This is disappointing. Still, you’re pretty shocked when he sits you down and says, “We have to talk.” (Especially because he never wants to “talk”.)
Then he says the terrifying 10 words: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
It feels like being hit in the head with a frying pan.
Hmm…what? What the hell does that mean?
Now, I’ve seen this over and over again with girlfriends and women who write to me about their dating dilemmas. Women have an uncanny ability to grasp at straws when they sense that something is seriously wrong with their relationship. She tries to defuse the situation, mainly by making excuses for the man.
“Well, well, this isn’t the end of the world. We can get through this,” she thinks. “After all, he loves me! He’s just [distracted with work / got a lot on his mind / been feeling a little depressed lately / got issues with his mother / insert your convenient excuse here]. I just need to help him fall in love with me again. Now, what should we do? ”
The thing is, deep down we all know what that means. “I love you, but I don’t love you” means “It’s over.”
Most men hate disappointing women, especially those they care about. And all men hate seeing women cry. It makes them feel completely helpless, panicked, and desperate to find the nearest exit, which is why they came up with this confusing line in hopes of letting you down easily.
This is one of the few lines men use when they know they need to end a relationship but don’t want to hurt you (actually, they also use these with men) There is, right?)…
- “It’s not you, it’s me.”
- “We just need time to resolve the issue.”
- “I’ve been so hurt in the past that I don’t know if I can be in a relationship.”
- “I want you in my life, but we can’t be exclusive.”
I could go on… Now, if you’re faced with this awkward conversation, unfortunately you can’t control what your man says. The good news is that you can control your actions. So what should I do?
Let’s explore this very relevant reader question using it as an example.
“Dear Paige, what does it mean that he says he loves you but isn’t ‘in love’ with you? Even though he calls every day? , when he says you don’t want to be in a relationship? When he says you’re very important to him, but he never makes time to spend time with you?I? ” ―Vanessa
Hello Vanessa
Of course you’re not stupid.
But if you don’t understand your man’s words and actions for what they are – his escape plan, you’re exposing yourself to pain and disappointment. But give yourself a little credit here… your intuition is right. You know in your heart that this is true. If you had taken everything he said at face value, you would not have written to me.
So, I know it’s painful, but let’s face the truth for now (let’s do it together). Like ripping off a band-aid, the sooner you remove it, the less painful it will be.
We have already covered the first question at the beginning of today’s dish. “I love you, but I don’t love you” means that he will break up with you. I think he cares a lot about you, but that doesn’t mean there’s any hope of repairing your relationship. It will be easier if you accept the fact that it’s over.
As I said earlier, you can’t control what he says, but you can control what he does. “He calls me every day, but he says he doesn’t want a relationship,” you say. There’s a saying that “actions speak louder than words,” but even if he calls you, it won’t be any louder or clearer than “I don’t want a relationship.”
If you want to build a relationship, you have options. Don’t answer his calls. I know you miss him, but no matter how much you keep in touch, his feelings won’t change and you’ll want to get back together.
Here’s why he calls (all selfish by the way):
- He wants the option to have a relationship with you when he feels like it (no, thank you! Being intimate with your ex only confuses and hurts you, heals your heart, It prevents you from moving on to someone you want a relationship with.)
- He misses you and still wants to talk to you (sorry, your great conversation skills are reserved for the lucky guy you’re dating!)
- He wants to date other people, but keep in touch with you in case he realizes he made a mistake and wants you back. (No way! Too bad he had a chance with you and he wasn’t sure! You’re not anyone’s second choice.)
So cut ties with him now and start focusing on taking care of yourself. And to answer your last question about the fact that he says you’re an important person in his life but never spends time with you, Vanessa… let’s switch gears and ask. : When is someone important to you? You want to spend as much time as possible with them in your life, right? Even if you’re busy with work, school, or other commitments, you still make time to go see your partner.
Well, I’m sorry, but it sounds to me like this person is just blowing smoke.
My best advice is to stop focusing on him, what he’s thinking, what he wants, what his actions mean, etc., and shift your focus to what it should be. Start putting it where you are, that is, yourself.
You deserve everything you want from a relationship. You don’t have to settle for scraps from a man who can’t spend time with you or dedicate himself only to you.
And if you are willing to do some challenging work of looking at yourself to learn the lessons from the breakup, you will heal your heart and have the strength to move on and be completely and completely IN. You can build a real relationship with an amazing man who loves you!
Paige Parker is an author and founder of Dating Without Drama. She teaches women to increase their self-esteem, understand men better, and find and maintain loving relationships.