You and your spouse start talking about something (what you want for dinner, what happened at work today…the topic doesn’t even matter) and before you know it you’re in a fight .
You are sure that you will never be able to contact him. And he feels like you’re always making him the bad guy. The most innocent topics can quickly become harsh and deeply personal with an alienating feel: “You always…” and “You never…”
This pattern repeats over and over again. And the unspoken “rules of engagement” are always the same.
When this happens, many couples begin to doubt their relationship and see ongoing conflict as a sign that they are not “right” with each other. Because if you two were truly “for each other” then this horrible, primal, gut-wrenching conflict wouldn’t happen, right?
Fortunately, this is one of the more troublesome characteristics of soulmate relationships.
Because if you repeat the same conflict over and over again, you’ll probably teeth With the right person! Don’t you think it’s crazy? Well, it’s true.
When your partner asks you to resolve old and devastating pains, you are with the “right” person. Humans always recreate old conflicts. Part of the reason is that the familiar is comforting (if unhealthy), but it’s also an attempt to better handle that old situation in the present tense.
Think of it this way. As a baby, you learned to talk and walk by repeating the words. And after a bit of “try, try, try again,” those skills came naturally. As I grew up, I learned other things too. About managing your world. And how to stay safe and win someone’s affection.
You learned some of those things “the hard way” through painful (physically or emotionally) experiences.and Humans are wired to remember things that are scary or hurt. We feel more than happy moments because our brain interprets those difficult moments as a threat to our existence. Therefore, those experiences receive greater mental attention to help develop defenses against them.
So, yes, when you saw that amazing stranger (aka your partner) across the crowded room, your mind opened to new and wonderful possibilities. Our first experience together felt so intoxicating, as if we were completely “right” with each other. And so were you.
But along with the new, beautiful and warm feelings of Love and Home, you also brought with you your own unfinished business.
It’s the “unfinished business” that rears its ugly head every time the two fall into a “fighting pattern.” One or both of you will end up reliving painful experiences from your past.
Yes, it’s the worst! And of course you want it to stop too. And, as you say, that should stop.
But surprisingly, the first step to ending this pattern is to respect the fact that you two are stuck together. You chose each other (out of everyone else) because your problems are well matched.
You entered the relationship with an idea of what a “good” relationship should look, feel, and function like. And now you are trying to force your partner to play by your rules, and vice versa.
For example, if in the past you were always self-sufficient, now you want your dream partner to take care of you (because doing everything yourself is really tiring). But he probably feels that he has always had to take care of others as well.
And now he wants someone to take care of him. Therefore, if you behave in a troubled manner, he will react negatively.
If you want to stop this cycle of toxic conflict, show yourself (and each other) a little mercy and know that you both came to this place honestly.
Your background has shaped you this way, and it can bring back the worst memories without you even realizing it. And until we truly address and solve that “old problem,” we just keep doing the same thing over and over again. And they will continue to do so until they learn a lesson, change their mindset, and choose new actions and reactions.
So when you and your partner start arguing and you think, “Here we go again,” stop and recognize that the conflict is a signal that the moment at hand is more than just a “fight.”
It’s also an invitation to grow up and do something different. If you don’t like the lines in this play, change them. Don’t follow the usual script. Please make another choice.
Don’t worry about doing something “right”. Just do something different. Break the pattern.
Take a “timeout” and take a breather before responding. Or maybe you just lower your voice. If you’re a loud shouter, try speaking as quietly as possible, keeping your voice as low as possible. Or, if you usually whisper, speak up. If you usually stand and walk around, try sitting down. You get the picture.
For real change to happen, we must first have two compatible candidates, each doing their best to get what they want, but both ultimately failing. You need to respect that. The more we resist this truth, the more we will repeat harmful patterns over and over again.
Of course, old habits die hard. So understand that you can’t magically change overnight. You’re probably not the first couple to find yourself back in the familiar quarrels. You need to consciously choose a new path over and over again until it becomes a regular habit.
But as you practice “try, try, try again” over and over again, you learn what you want (and what your partner needs), and you’re more than just defensive. There comes a time when you realize that you are interested in what you want.
At this point, the couple begins to grow together in a powerful way, and neither of them is trying to prove that they are “right” and the other is “wrong,” and they are finally able to discuss old grudges. Masu.
As a couple, you begin to yearn for new experiences with each other. You find yourself moving towards a deeper, more intimate relationship.
And isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? This is why we call marriage a “machine for human growth.”
Cheryl Garson Couples counselor, individual psychotherapist, and group therapy leader. She is licensed in clinical social work, a board certified diplomat, and certified by the Institute of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy.