Many clients come to me in the midst of a divorce or separation. I also have clients who are struggling with the decision to end a difficult marriage. One question that men and women always worry about is, “Will I ever find another lover?”
The fear of being alone and the regret of breaking up with the one person who would have forgiven or loved you are strong. It can trap people in toxic, loveless marriages and long-term relationships. However, as I look at the clients I work with, this fear is often completely unfounded.
For men, the world of post-divorce dating can actually be a whirlwind of excitement.
The women they meet are older, less sexually insecure and reserved, more in touch with their bodies, and themselves experiencing post-divorce excitement. I have many male clients who are shocked by the number of sexually motivated partners they find on dating sites and singles events.
And some of these women may desire relationships that range from beneficial friendships to serious commitments.
Every divorced male client I’ve ever worked with who signed up and messaged on a dating site or app went on at least a few dates and a few times within the first few months after their divorce. None of them had ever had sexual experience. At least some women. And months often means weeks.
The men I see are not rich, rock stars, or the most amazingly attractive men in the universe. But they have one thing in common. That means everyone is seeing a therapist.
Those who choose to begin treatment are, by definition, more introspective and likely to be more sensitive than the average person. But if you’re reading an article about divorce, you’re in luck because you’re likely more introspective and sensitive than average.Divorced women often divorce the men they have in mind narcissistic or narcissistic.
For these women, a man who thinks about his feelings and is willing to work on his shortcomings with a therapist is very attractive. It shows emotional intelligence and a commitment to being the best person you can be.
My personal theory as to why women choose more sensitive men as second husbands is that when women unconsciously desire to mate and reproduce, they are more likely to be self-absorbed. It means choosing a certain “alpha” male.
Also, because they are younger and more concerned about what their friends and family will think when choosing a first husband, they may unconsciously choose a more traditional, “confident” man. Shy or sensitive women compensate for their shortcomings by choosing men who can coach Little League or host parties so that their children have at least one extroverted parent. You may be trying.In many cases, the end result is Feeling misunderstood or ignored by this personover time.
However, when a woman gets divorced, she doesn’t want any more children, doesn’t care what others think, and often seeks a man who is more sensitive and with whom she can share a greater emotional and intellectual bond ( This also often translates into great sex).Now is the time very sensitive man It really shines.
Of course, sensitive men who are prone to social anxiety and depression will avoid the dating scene, so they won’t be able to find a partner before addressing these issues. And a man who still denies that he contributed to the failure of his first marriage will be less attractive as a candidate for a new woman.
Working with a therapist can help you better understand how you yourself contributed to the divorce, and how your own quirks and flaws, as well as your upbringing, contributed to certain aspects of your marriage. You can move forward with a deeper knowledge of what led to your patterns and expectations.
You can also work with a therapist or psychiatrist (there’s no shame in taking medication, but if you’re in the dating market, be sure to let them know you’d like to try an antidepressant with fewer sexual side effects) . Issues with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or unresolved childhood trauma. All of this work will not only help you become a better partner if you ultimately want a new spouse, but most importantly, it will heal you and help you become the best person you can be (and the applicable It helps if you are a parent).
Please share this post with the men in your life who need a boost after divorce. Or if you are a sensitive man and your marriage hasn’t changed after talking, reading books, and counseling, read this article and find out how you can actually find new love after divorce. You may be able to gain that confidence.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, also known as Dr. Psycho Mama, is a practicing clinical psychologist. doctor psycho mom. She works with adults and couples in groups to implement the Best Life Behavioral Health Method.
This article was originally published at: doctor psycho mom. Reprinted with permission from the author.