In today’s free world, hookup culture is rampant. If you look around any bar on a Saturday night, you’ll see a lot of people getting ready to go home with someone they just met.
Some lament the lack of “traditional values,” but clearly Define the rules of datingRelationship experts are starting to realize the power of hookups.
In a recent study “Heartbeat,” Match.com blogIn a survey, over half of our readers admitted that having sex at least once led to a lasting relationship.As with many things in the complicated world of dating, it turns out science has a surprising explanation.
Here are four ways that meeting someone can lead to love.
1. It stimulates our innate instinct to couple up.
Humans are hardwired to pair up. In ancient times, those who successfully found a mate were more likely to avoid predators, find enough food, and raise children to adulthood. We may not face the same threats as our ancestors, but we retain the pairing instinct.
However, now that we live in a relatively safe and secure environment, we can choose more carefully.
Today, people tend to marry for love and romance, not for land, power, or even mere survival. American Singles According to a Match.com survey, 89 percent of American adults believe it’s possible to stay married to the same person forever, but 33 percent think it’s reasonable to leave a satisfying marriage with someone you no longer love.
2. Establish a foundation of shared experience before commitment.
Pioneered by psychologist Robert Sternberg in the 1980s The Triangular Theory of Love It is said that love has three basic elements: passion, intimacy and commitment. Different types of love, from infatuation to deep family ties, are based on one or two of these elements. However, only perfect love has all three.
This is the type of relationship that lasts because partners are strongly attracted to each other (passion), deeply connected (intimacy), and actively choose to be together at all times (commitment).
But brain scans show that attachment and intimacy take time to develop — they’re based on shared experiences, overcoming challenges together, and the trust that comes only through repeated interactions.
Many relationships fail because partners mistake the brain chemical rush of initial attraction and the resulting obsession for true intimacy and try to rush into a relationship without building the foundation of friendship and connection.
3. It slows down the progression of relationships and prevents premature commitment.
When couples move from just having sex to a serious relationship, they tend to do so very slowly, going through a series of intermediate stages, each of which can last months or even years.
Most follow a gradual progression:
- Friends with benefits: This stage occurs when you start having regular relationships with the same person. It’s not exclusive, you don’t appear in public or on social media as a couple, and there are very few expectations. But you gradually get to know each other. The main focus is still on the physical aspect of the relationship, but an actual friendship is starting to form.
- Date: At some point, two people decide they have enough in common to officially start dating. They announce themselves as a couple and accelerate the non-sexual “getting to know each other” part of the relationship. At this point, they move from passionate love (based purely on passion) as defined by the triangular theory, to romantic love (a combination of passion and intimacy).
- Live together: Cohabitation, also known as trial marriage, has become incredibly common among modern couples, whatever the beginning of their relationship. In fact, cohabitation is increasingly being seen as a necessary precursor, giving both partners a chance to see what life under the same roof will be like before going through the formalities of marriage. It’s the first true attempt at full love – a blend of passion and intimacy that goes beyond daily commitments.
4. You will both be free from unnecessary personal and social pressures.
One of the reasons hookup-based relationships work is because both partners take personal responsibility for their decision. People who jump into dating often have a lot of expectations based on past experiences and reports from other relationships, but turning a hookup into a commitment is still new and largely uncharted territory.
Since there are no socially prescribed “rules” and no expectations beyond that night, both parties are free to treat the relationship however they want. If you’re both moving in the same direction, great. If not, you’re always free to walk away. This allows each of you to figure out what you really want based on the natural flow of your emotions.
Of course, most encounters don’t lead to long-term relationships.
You should never go into a hookup situation with the intent of trapping someone. If you choose to hook up, do it because you are interested in that particular situation, that particular moment.
Even if you do move to the friends-with-sex stage, always be aware that there are no obligations and that your partner may choose to move on at any time.
And yet, from a biochemical perspective, the progression from meeting to dating makes perfect sense.
The writing team was led by neuroscientist Dr. Lucy L. Brown and biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher. Anatomy of LoveA website dedicated to matters relating to the brain and love.