Author: Jenna Birch
When it comes to breakups, anything goes at first.
You went through your box of tissues, took some “personal time” at work, and watched it on Netflix tower on the sand Until my mind went numb and I ended up ordering way too much Thai takeout. very sorry.
But now that you understand that the relationship is over, you may be wondering what steps to take next. Answer: Now’s the time to look inward and ask some important questions that relationship experts say will help you become more resilient.
Dig deep and seek answers from the depths of your heart. You’ll be glad you did.
Here are seven questions to ask yourself to move forward after a breakup.
1. What was my role in the end of this relationship?
Your ex may have had a short temper, cheated on you, put his career first (every time), or maybe he never saw the amazing woman in front of him.But relationships are always a two-way street, say counselors and psychologists Kara IvankovicPh.D., adjunct professor at the University of Illinois at Springfield.
“By blaming your partner, you free yourself from any potential guilt or remorse,” she explains. “But often, we shift the blame to protect ourselves from admitting that we may have played a role. It takes two people to create happiness, and it takes two people to create happiness. It takes two people to erode that happiness.”
So take some inventory and accountability. You may have had a tendency to alienate him, choose work over intimacy, and ultimately self-sabotage. Sometimes just being at a distance allows you to see your own flaws, which can help you in the future.
Important disclaimer: Recognizing these hiccups doesn’t mean you have to run to your ex and say, “I see the error of my ways.” This is about personal growth, not about getting back together.
2. What will be different about your next relationship?
Once you have some responsibility, it’s time to gather lessons.
“We should always strive to improve ourselves and our relationships,” says Ivanković. “People who can’t explain their flaws are bound to fall into the same cycle in future relationships.”
Think about the feedback your ex gave you and what was missing in your relationship.
“Did you have trouble communicating openly and honestly with your partner?” Ivankovic asks. “Do you bottle up your emotions and then let them explode? Do you complain a lot? Have you ignored the needs of your relationship?” If the answer is yes, then by the time you get into another relationship. You will have time to reflect on yourself.
3. Were my expectations realistic?
Did you want to get engaged within a year? Have you been married within the last 18 months? Would you have liked him to contact you more often? Ivankovic says to assess what exactly your expectations were and how you expressed them directly.
“Relationships often end because they weren’t realistic, their goals fluctuated, or they weren’t clearly defined in the first place,” Ivankovic says. “Contrary to wishful thinking, our partners cannot read minds.”
4. Can I go on a date?
Here’s where it gets personal, says relationship expert Laurel House. twist the rules. “Know who you are, what your problems, insecurities, and sabotages are, and privately ask yourself: ‘Will you date me?’
Be brutally honest with yourself. If you have very high expectations but have stubborn walls that refuse to drop them, those are the barriers you must recognize before looking for love again.
“Pick out your weaknesses to make them want to date you,” says House.
5. Who was he?
Once you’ve thought long and hard about your ex’s relationship, evaluate your ex and forget about making excuses for him. Sure, you had your faults, but so did he. It’s important to recognize why it’s better to break up.
“Why was he stupid?” House asks. “Take away the romance, fantasies, hopes, dreams, and what-ifs and think about what he was like.” Think about your ex’s true personality: negative, hopeful, dominant etc. “They’re not that pretty,” House declares.
Red flag the traits that caused you the most problems and try to avoid them in future relationships.
6. What are my limiting beliefs?
House says that often we have core beliefs that prevent us from having the most fulfilling relationships.
“What are your limiting beliefs?” she asks. “What in your past gave you these thoughts? And what forced you to date toxic men who don’t make you feel good about yourself?”
When you realize what’s holding you back from reciprocated love, perhaps it’s that you don’t think you’re good enough, that you have other things to prioritize, that you can’t fully trust others, internally address it. House says he can handle it. , stop compromising yourself.
7. What are my plans?
Now, you have experienced the trauma-o-rama of a breakup. Sure, it’s tempting to get back into the Tinder game, but Ivankovic says it’s wise to stop and ask yourself what you want out of life.
“I’m not talking about traveling to China or changing jobs, but rather what are your plans for yourself?” she says.
Before deciding what you want in a plus-one, Ivanković says to ask yourself what kind of woman you want to be. Perhaps the woman takes a gentler approach to communicating with her loved ones, or spends more time away from her office reading, reflecting, and working on personal growth. There may be.
“There’s a lot of truth in the old adage, ‘You must love yourself before you can love others,'” she says.
The goal of the post-breakup stage is to process the relationship, understand what went wrong, accept that your ex isn’t right for you, and work toward a better tomorrow. Ask the tough questions. Don’t rush. Make your changes. reflect. Give yourself time to heal.
Now is your time to do it.
Jenna Birch is a freelance journalist and author of the following books: The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win at Life and Love. Her work regularly appears in publications such as SELF, Washington Post, Vogue, Harper’s Bazaar, Well+Good, Huffington Post, and Man Repeller.
This article was originally published at: self. Reprinted with permission from the author.